Now it's gone

I lost something precious on Thursday.

I'd managed to treasure this gift for nearly 24 years, though sometimes I didn't appreciate it like I should have. But now it's gone, and I know I'll miss it.

I sent off my youngest child to kindergarten, and I'll no longer spend school days with a small child shadowing me.

The days of being a mom to preschoolers have given me sweet memories, whether from the more hectic days of having several young children around or the more relaxed one-on-one time with my youngest child, David. They were my constant companions at home and church, while shopping and running errands or on excursions to the zoo or museums.

God gave me some hindsight through the gift of older children. With four kids now in college and one of those married, I know how fast they grow. For a long time I've seen this day coming, when child No. 9 would go off to kindergarten, to a full day of school. Perhaps I've even become clingy with my youngest kids, trying to hang on to a moment in time.

When the big day finally arrived and I walked David into his kindergarten classroom, the experience was much less dramatic than what I had imagined it would be. I was so busy, tired and frazzled from getting everyone off to school that I forgot to mourn. I hurried David to his desk just moments before the school bell rang, snapped two photos and ran out the door. Outside the classroom, I talked with two other moms. "How are you doing?" one asked, knowing that I might be melancholy. I was fine, just a little numb from not being fully awake.

It was an hour or so later, when I was pushing a cart through a grocery store, that it hit me. I was alone. And a little lonely.

I have my consolations, though. The house I returned to Thursday morning was quieter but still bustling, with a puppy bouncing around and three college kids coming and going. With one more in high school and three others at St. Columbkille, I'm far from being an empty nester.

I'm just no longer the mother of a preschooler.


Inspired by this Year of Faith we will be posting columns like this from Susan Szalewski about exploring and/or deepening our faith. Watch for it on Thursdays and see the Year of Faith Blog here.