I've Fallen In My Lent

I have a recurring dream in which I am trying to get something done, but I keep getting distracted. In the end, I suddenly realize what little I’ve done and what little time left I have to finish. I wake up panicked.

This dream reminds me of my Lent so far.

If Lent was a race, we’d be entering the homestretch now. But I allow so many stupid distractions to keep me from Christ, the finish line. I feel stuck in the mud. I have fallen in my Lenten observances and can’t seem to get back up.

I run the same race every Lent. I typically stumble right out of the gate, failing just a day or two after Ash Wednesday in whatever minor sacrifice or practice I resolved to do. This first fall I can overcome, figuring it’s God’s will to humble me right off the bat. No problem. I dust myself off and start again.

I’ll continue on with no major setbacks for a few weeks. But then I start backsliding into my former ways. This time it’s much harder to get up. I’m in the stuck-in-the mud phase described above.

I know from experience how to get unstuck. I need Reconciliation. Through the forgiveness of my sins and the grace of this sacrament, God throws me a rope, to help me out of my quagmire. When I receive Jesus in Communion, He seems to work more effectively in my new state of grace. He gives me a boost of strength.

Despite God’s tremendous help, I know I can fall again. For me, Lent (a mini Way of the Cross) wouldn’t be complete without a third fall. I typically drift away from my Lenten practices again during Holy Week, falling asleep like Peter, James and John during our Lord’s Agony in the Garden. The secular, material aspects of Easter -- the shopping, preparation and busywork for the holiday -- draw me away from Jesus in His darkest hour.

So what should be my plan, knowing what obstacles usually trip me in the homestretch of Lent?

I may have received the answer in another dream I had.

In the dream I was a little girl, a toddler, trying to trudge up a hill covered in deep snow. I could barely forge a few steps on my own, and I had a huge hill ahead of me. There was no way I could make it to the top. Then I looked to my left and saw a pair of adult pant legs next to me. It was my Father. I knew I no longer had to worry about getting to the top of the hill. I had Him to carry me.

No wonder my first dream left me panicked. Left on my own, with all my distractions, I have trouble finishing anything. The second dream teaches me that I am never alone or have to finish anything by myself, especially the race that leads to Heaven by Way of the Cross. I can try to avoid Lenten pitfalls, but in reality, I’ll probably keep falling. I’m just God’s little child. I must allow Him to lift me up and carry me, especially through the grace of His sacraments.

Inspired by this Year of Faith we will be posting columns like this from Susan Szalewski about exploring and/or deepening our faith. Watch for it on Thursdays.